What the heck is up with me?, Chapter 1

As those of you who have diligently memorized everything I’ve ever posted here will recall, I’ve never had an alcoholic beverage. I’ve also never had a cigarette, an illegal drug, or – this is a good one – a sip of coffee.

Is this because I am no fun? Of course not. I am yes fun. This is because I made a freakishly sensible decision as a small child: That I would never start doing anything I saw people around me struggling to quit. And then I followed through. Please do not take this as an indicator of my personality in general. It is not.

Anyway, I don’t spend a ton of time thinking about this, but sometimes it manifests in odd little ways. Here’s one: I almost never enjoy songs about drinking/drunkenness. I’m not saying I dislike them, or am offended by them – I hear them and go “Hmm, yeah, don’t get it” and move on. This has kinda killed entire albums for me, by artists I love.

This is what I figured: “Of course I don’t get it! Never done it!”

So how, you’re wondering, does this aloofness translate when it comes to comedy? Well, it depends. Sometimes there’s a story that’s funny regardless of intoxication levels, even if drinking is heavily involved; sometimes it’s more about the actual drinking and I’m lost.

A few weeks ago we saw Paul F. Tompkins at Largo. I would like to state up front that I’m almost certain that Paul F. Tompkins is the funniest human being on the planet. You should buy his CDs and go to his shows and follow him on Twitter and such. That was a PSA right there.

Anyway, he did a bit about drinking, and I wasn’t bored or anything, because he’s the funniest human being alive, but I started to realize I hadn’t actually laughed in several minutes, which maybe has never happened before at a PFT show. “Well, sure,” I thought, “because I’ve never done it and such.” Shortly thereafter he moved to a different subject, and I was laughing my butt off as is customary, when it hit me that my theory had just been blown out of the water.

Because that subject? Was growing a mustache.

A thing that I have also never done.

So now I’m back to wondering: What the heck is up with me? Perhaps a mustachioed drinker will show up and point to a qualitative difference between these experiences that I am only subconsciously sensing. I certainly hope so – I’d hate to put much more thought into this.

3 Comments  to  What the heck is up with me?, Chapter 1

  1. Rachel says:

    For me, most drinking stories involve doing stupid things. I personally don’t find self-induced stupidity amusing. (Although I have consumed alcohol, I haven’t had a real drink in probably decades, since it makes me depressed and anti-social, and I am quite capable of achieving that state on my own, thankyouverymuch.)

  2. Miles says:

    I can’t say what is up with you, but – true confession time – this makes two of us who have never taken an illegal drug. It’s not that I’m morally or religiously opposed to them. I grew up incredibly overprotected and my mom has a nose like a bloodhound, so I didn’t have a shot at alcohol or illicit substances until college. At college, I was incredibly repulsed by the frat-boy culture (if it can be called “culture”) of indulgence. Plus there were endless tales of vomiting, as though “man, I was so wasted that I horked in this astounding fashion for hours” was A Good Thing. I have never found vomiting to be A Good Thing, therefore I did not see this as something I should take up. And now I feel too old for drugs: smoking a joint or taking an acid trip just seems too silly for someone my age to start doing.

    I did start drinking at the ripe old age of 23, but it seems to be 99% social – beers at a show or a gathering of friends seems fun, but if I buy a six pack for home consumption, I’ll still have four of them in the fridge a month later.

    But this doesn’t answer your question. Maybe there’s a level of repulsion with drinking that’s not there for other things you haven’t experienced… but then again, aren’t you against facial hair? So I got nuffin’.

  3. Allie Raymond says:

    First of all – facial hair – ew. No laughing matter.

    Coffee!!! —> I didn’t know that. Wow.

    I think all of that stuff about alcohol/drugs is just quite boring and repetitive, which may be why you weren’t laughing – and I personally find that it sort of sucks when everyone around you is taking something for granted e.g. that everyone drinks alcohol and gets drunk… and that might stop it being funny, in the situation. I have stuff like that re: comedy sometimes – it bothers me when everyone is taking something for granted that is either very questionable or quite a big deal to me.

    I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you – I find it commendable that given that you’ve NEVER done these things, you don’t let that put you off more stuff that you like! I find it quite easy to start feeling isolated etc about such matters.

    For me, re: comedy stuff, there is a lot of sexual stuff that I don’t find funny! I am just sitting there and everyone else is laughing. Oh well.